From Good To Great Communication: What the latest skills workshops can’t offer – Part 2
Recall the distinction made by Ron Heifetz from Harvard between adding new skills or techniques to the same “skills bucket” (Informative learning) vs. re-shaping/expanding the ‘container’ (Transformative learning).
The way we describe this to our clients is to picture going to the latest communications skills workshop where you acquire important knowledge on “active listening”, for instance. This is great but then when you return to the office, you are still the same person. You haven’t acquired the capacity to implement the “new way” of communicating. People grasp this challenge very easily because they have experienced the distinction first-hand.
So let’s expand on the personal capacities needed to communicate in a “new way” that we first outlined in a previous article … which you are not likely to receive from a communication skills workshop.
- Patience — the ability not to interrupt, especially when you disagree with what is being said
Many might view patience as a virtue that can’t be cultivated. However, in our communication example here the focus is on that particular capacity not to interrupt “especially when you disagree” with what you are hearing and/or in the way it is being communicated…
As I’m sure you have experienced yourself, one of the hardest tests of patience is feeling that “blood boiling” point when you just have to jump in to correct the other person, set them straight, or at the very least show them that they are wrong! This temptation gets only stronger when the person(s) is obviously acting out of complete ignorance or is politically motivated to push their agenda/opinion.
Typical response: You jump in and match or exceed their tone/delivery to make YOUR point of disagreement penetrate as quickly and sharply as possible. Drawing from your experience with such encounters, notice what typically happens at this point. Your aggressive response will in turn produce a further aggressive posture in the other person. The battle ground is now, in an instant, fully formed and alive with sparks flying back and forth.
Is this exemplary leadership? No. Does it happen frequently? Yes.
2. Open and receptive mind — not thinking about what you will say next as you are pretending to listen ; in Zen circles, this is called listening with “an empty cup”
This capacity is about genuinely listening to understand the other person’s point of view. This requires you to be attentive without judging what you are hearing in the moment. It means listening with a ‘quiet’ mind with adequate ‘space’ for the information to sink into. Contrast this with an active mind saying: “I can’t believe what I’m hearing … this is ridiculous … there s/he goes again…” This inner voice dialogue then immediately tries to come up with what you will counter before that person is finished. In fact, you have stopped listening at this point and are now actively focusing on your response: who cares what else s/he is saying?
A major self-check to see if you are listening with an open and receptive mind:
- At the end of your listening, do you understand both what is being said as well as where the person is coming from? That is, how are they viewing this situation/point such that they are taking this view and are delivering it this way?
- To what extent can you accurately repeat back everything they have just said?
- To what extent do you know how much you have missed or didn’t quite understand and can pin-point what you wish to clarify?
3. Presence – genuine interest in the other person right here right now without losing focus
Similar to Point 2 above, are you maintaining clear focus and a genuine interest in the other person in this very moment … fresh … without judgment … as though you were talking to this person for the first time? This requires curiosity and openness on your part. Versus the voice in your head that says: “I’ve heard this before … I see what s/he is trying to do … this is a waste of time … I’m gonna put a stop to this right now”.
The key to staying present is being mindful of any triggers that pop up as the other person is speaking (not to mention the trigger(s) leading up to the exchange). From a place of awareness, let the triggers arise (there is no point in denying them) without allowing them to draw you out of ‘receive’ mode… without letting the trigger be the master and you the slave.
4. “Open/Receptive” body posture – what is your body language saying such that communication is impacted positively
I recall many first meetings with clients who wanted/needed to improve their communication capacities. They would sit in what I refer to as a “closed” posture. They often sat at an angle with one shoulder pointing toward me as well as looking down with their chest collapsed inward. I just knew that, if it wasn’t so obvious, they would have preferred to have their arms crossed too. Instead, their legs were crossed!
An open posture is when your shoulders are not drawn forward and you are not “hunched over”, you are ‘square’ to the other person, your chest is open and slightly forward, you are not ‘fidgety’ and you are looking at the person with attention and curiosity.
One of the biggest benefits for these clients was getting them to realize a) the difference between “open” vs. “closed” posture, b) their existing body posture, c) the impact of posture on their ability to more effectively engage/communicate.
5. Emotional capacity — How is your energy level being maintained throughout? What cues are you sending out? What cues are you receiving from others? How can this awareness cultivate the quality of the exchange?
Have you noticed how some people seem to maintain an even keel even when pressed aggressively by the other person(s)? You might want to jump up and scream whereas these people are not phased at all in the face of the same situation/exchange.
As you know, emotional awareness has been described over the past decade as Emotional Intelligence (EQ) by Dan Goleman. More recently, Social Intelligence (SQ) has been added as important. Further to this, I refer to the capacity to feel into your energy flow moment by moment as well as the energy flow of others (e.g, people in a meeting room). People with high Emotional Capacity can ‘feel’ how everyone is doing as they enter the meeting room. They are keenly aware of what cues their energy is sending out and they are able to receive and process the energy of others. Can you imagine what kind of positive impact this could have on a leader’s ability to establish deep connections with others? How about their ability to inspire others because they are able to decipher where they are at? What piques their interest? What others are passionate about? Etc.
How about you? What cues are you sending out in your communication exchanges? What are you able to pick up from others? What are some of the things you can easily work on to radically improve your Emotional Capacity?
Cultivating These Capacities
As I’m sure you have noticed in the above summary, these personal capacities are all integrated and important to one another. For example, it is difficult to cultivate patience without also working at becoming more mindfully present through practice work that enables a more open and receptive mind, body and heart. Cultivating a more open/receptive body posture can be a great starting point for developing emotional maturity for some people. For others, a different starting point may be more appropriate.
Something You Can Try On Your Own:
In each of your personal exchanges over the next week,
- Pay attention to the extent to which your posture is generally ‘closed’ vs. ‘open’. Make a conscious effort to maintain an open posture when you engage with others as well as when you sit at your desk and when you walk to-and-from meetings.
- Also, when you are about to engage in a conversation with someone, consciously inhale once slowly into the abdomen and exhale. View this as you being “ready” to engage openly and without pre-judgement.
See if you notice a difference in the quality of your listening/exchanges after you have been following this practice for a few days to a week.
Good simple sources:
Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, Switzler (2002)
Practicing The Sacred Art of Listening: A Guide To Enrich Your Relationships and Kindle Your Spiritual Life, Kay Lindhal (2009)
Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind: Informal talks on Zen meditation and practice, Shunryu Zuzuki, (1970)
Joseph Zepedeo, M.Sc. , Certified Professional Integral Coach™
Founder and President of The Integral Business Leadership Group, Joseph has over 20 years of experience as a consultant and coach bringing about transformational change and development at the individual, team and organizational levels.
He is adept at working with complex challenges, leading teams, consensus building and developing creative yet pragmatic solutions for lasting results. As a highly skilled Leadership Coach, Joseph is passionate about helping people make the shift to a new way of leading for peak performance.
He has been described as “an extremely intuitive, insightful and skilled coach. His ability to be fully present, to listen deeply, and to guide the process with compassion and respect, creates a safe environment where real transformation can take place”. Connect with Joseph on LinkedIn, Via email or Twitter.